These days more clients are coming to me with confidence issues. Covid time seems to have been tough on confidence.
I’m not a therapist, but from my career counseling training and experience, I can offer a few suggestions.
As humans, we are programmed to think about ourselves, at least a little, and often, a lot.
For many people, that self-examination encompasses how we could do better, or act more responsibly, or meet deadlines better, or improve ourselves in some way. And often we tell ourselves that we are sub par, that other people are much better than we are.
Most of us know this feeling. But sometimes it takes over our day.
In a work setting, in my experience, reduced confidence or self-doubt is often the product of a steady rain of criticism and lack of appreciation or praise.
The criticism may be warranted. Maybe we aren’t doing a great job: we aren’t paying attention to detail; we are treating our staff badly; or we don’t know how to do an important part of the job and are not getting trained. Our confidence plummets. We hate going to work, where we get more negative feedback. Or we get fired.
Then, when we try to improve, or search for a new job, etc. we feel insecure. We lack the confidence we once had.
I see this often in my coaching. Steady criticism, or our own recognition of less-than-stellar performance, eats away at our confidence.
What to do?
- Ask yourself what’s going wrong. Write down your analysis. (People are pretty good at this, when they think about it. Enlist a partner or a friend if you wish.)
- Size up the problem. How bad is it? Can you pull yourself out, or do you need help? Write that down too, such as:
“I’m feeling unconfident partly because I don’t know how to use social media really well, and my boss expects it, and younger people are beating me out. “
or
“I’ve gotten sloppy and stopped checking my own work, and it’s led to serious mistakes.”
You may be able to fix these things yourself: take an on-line course in using social media for marketing; or vow to double-check all your work, even if it adds 10 minutes to your day. Ask the boss (if you don’t know) what you can do to improve, and make the effort — if you can.
Sometimes, loss of confidence can be remedied by thought and action. Reflect on how you successfully handled a rough patch in the past. You can be a good role model for yourself.
What if you can’t do it all by yourself?
Suppose you have already been let go, and are in the job market, feeling unconfident. Or you can’t learn the new skill. Or the boss is just plain mean, or already is trying to ease you out.
- This is the time to get some help. Any many do.
- At least 25% of my clients are also seeing therapists. Especially if your health insurance pays, doing so can be affordable and really helpful. Some confidence issues are so challenging, or perhaps go so far back, that therapists are by far the best choice.
- Also consider using a career counselor or coach for a few sessions to help you lay out a strategy — to figure out how to address problems at work, get a new skill, make a career transition etc. We’re trained to help with specific job- related decisions and tasks and also with some job-related confidence issues.
- Another possibility is to enlist your partner or a friend to discuss and puzzle out some solutions. Not just for one coffee-and-complaint time, but for sustained help and encouragement in developing an action plan and following through.
- If you learn well from books, immerse yourself in one that speaks to you. For example books on positive intelligence such as Flourish, by Martin Seligman, or (my favorite) Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine.
- Consider finding a mentor or at least a confidant at work, one who can help you with observations and practical strategy. (Asking for advice is an easier ask than asking someone to be your mentor, and may work equally well, if you and that person continue to work on issues and perhaps help each other.)
There’s no one answer to loss of confidence, but there are a lot of approaches that have helped. It’s a human condition, and you can make a plan and take action to make things better for yourself, regain your confidence, and put yourself on a more positive path.